I need to post more

I need to post more often. I keep forgetting about the level of even headed therapy I get from actually writing out my thoughts instead of just having conversations with myself in my head. I need to write more, I need to ride more and i definatly need to cook and run more. When you do therapy through motion it becomes that much more important to actually MOVE.

We will see.

Clicking

Yesterday I spent a good 6 hours out on my bike. The first thousand miles or so have seen a lot of learning and nervousness and wondering if I am really supposed to be out on a bike and who am I kidding anyways. But yesterday, finally going out on my own, spending more than ten minutes going from A to B and navigating all on my own, it just clicked. I wasn't terrified of the traffic around me and I didn't get flustered by red lights or the clueless running stop signs.

I wasn't over-revving the engine and I didn't kill the bike once. I think that the safety net of riding with Barry was really holding me back. Instead of trying to figure the lay of the road myself I was watching Barry and trying to figure out what he was doing. Everything had a tinge of anxiety because I didn't know how early he would signal or what parking spot he was going to head for. I was so focused on what Barry would do that I wasn't relaxing and letting my muscle memory do the heavy lifting. I also found that my hands were not getting nearly as tired because I wasn't clenching. I was checking my blind spot and shifting and picking lines. I was wonderful and I don't know that I can even explain how much more in love with my bike I am now versus last week.

It is incredibly strange to me how full of anxiety I was about the bike with out even knowing it. Only now am I getting just how stressed out the bike was making me. It used to be that when Barry would suggest we go riding I would get nauseous and anxious and it never really made sense but what was I going to do? I already bought the bike and the idea of paying for it every month and not riding it makes me even more anxious than riding did. Now I am trying to figure out how to get my headphones into my helmet so that I can listen to John Mayer and Dave Matthews Band while riding. I have a feeling that listening to 3X5 and Satellite while out riding would put me as close to nirvana as an atheist can get.

I know this post is a little disjointed, but I am finding it really hard to describe just how incredibly relieved I am that things are finally clicking. I am happy, giddy, and feeling slightly off center as I am waiting for the world to get back to normal now that I am not on the bike. I don't mind it however. I associate this feeling as being similar to a runners high. It takes a little while after getting off the bike for the world to slow down, my balance to return to "not moving" mode and the grin to come back to something a little more ladylike.

I will never make hotcakes again

This last week has seen us doing the breakfast as dinner thing twice. Both times we made the same thing. Some friends introduced us the baked pancakes on the first evening and Barry and I loved them so much we had to make them again this weekend. This has to be the easiest breakfast pastry ever. There is no long list of ingredients to deal, slaving over the stove making cakes one at a time or getting all icky with the eggwash for french toast.

The baked pancakes end up tasting halfway between and regular hotcake and french toast. They and slightly spongy but lite and crisp. A super easy and super tasty breakfast treat.

Find an oven safe pan with ~3" walls. Place a dab of butter inside and then place in oven. Set oven to 450F and let the preheat melt the butter in the pan. When it is almost ready do the following:

3/4 cup milk
3 eggs
3/4 cup flour

Whisk the eggs and milk together incorporating as much air as possible. An immersion blender works great but you will still have lovely results with just a whisk. Once the eggs and milk are ready add in the flour. You want the flour just incorporated. Don't mix too much.

Pull the buttery pan out of the oven and give it a swirl so that the butter is coating everything. Pour in your batter. Place in oven for 11 to 15 minutes waiting for the pancake to poof and the top to become golden brown.

When ready pull it out, dress with your topping of choice and slice into pieces for serving.

That means only three dishes to clean and you have a very fancy dish without all the fancy cleanup. Also, no drips on the counter. Oh how I hate getting drippy's on the counter.

Things I am missing

Not missing in a lost sense. More like stuff I have never had to begin with.

You know that friend who has been with you for a really long time. The one that you can tell anything to and not have to worry about a negative reaction. That person that you worry to, even though you know the worrying is unfounded. I have never had that person. I used to think that I would eventually find this person in the body of a boyfriend and that would be a good indicator that they were marriage material. But then, who do I talk to about the boyfriend? See?

I keep entirely too many of my thoughts inside of my head, they don't get aired out and tossed aside like they are supposed to. This has led me towards a number of inappropriate outbursts over time, and so far they have had very little long term affect. But now I start to worry. My work has become a major part of my life. Up until this point I have kept Private me and work me completely separate and I am starting to think that this is a bad thing. I need friends and work is realistically the most likely place for me to find them. But I don't like going out with coworkers. It makes me uncomfortable. I fear what might be said without me fully thinking things thru. I worry that my thin skin will start to show. At work I am very hard to offend. I work hard at taking everyones statements at face value and avoiding the rumor mill. I don't want to trip into a situation where my job is being affected by rumor.

If I start making real friends out of coworkers then I will violate one of my cardinal rules. Namely that to have close personal relationships with co-workers can be a very dangerous situation. Just as you should never date a coworker due to the impending breakup nastiness having a close personal friend that you work with can wreak havoc on you work performance. Also, I don't tend to be a very good friend. It is not un-heard of for me to go months between talking with friends and family. If I don't have anything interesting going on in my life then I dont feel like I have anything to talk about. And frankly, I lead a pretty boring life. Barry would say otherwise, that we actually lead very interesting lives, but I don't find anything we do all that remarkable. I just don't seem to have the energy to keep up with the friends I do have. Do I really need more?

So yea. I am starting to feel like my isolating ways are working against me and I don't know what to do about it. Shocker there. ;-)

Hello. My name is Lillis and I am afraid of being an adult.

To some of you this may be shocking and to others it is woefully familiar. I am terrified of being an adult. Not in the aging sense, but in the responsibility sense. Doing adult things freaks me out. There are a million little examples that I could bring up, waiting for my ex to dump me since I was too chicken, making Barry do a lot of hand holding to get me to actually buy a car, a motorcycle, good tires, a TV, a firearm, a vacuum and countless other items that had price tags over the $50 mark. These were all purchases and decisions that adults make and each one filled me with anxiety and dread. Emotionally it was way easier to wait and simply make no decisions.

Indecision has been a close friend of mine for years. Actually making a decision and dealing with the subsequent fallout is something that adults have to do everyday. It was easier to wait for the breakup, let my dad give me a car, and hem a haw over the relative merits of asst. motorcycles all the while being freaked out by the idea of spending THOUSANDS of dollars. (as in more than one)

If you don't make a decision then you don't have to deal with any potentially bad fallout. This is why I don't tend to talk about politicians but will talk about issues. People are hard to defend, they change all the times. Issues take a little bit of thought and research and POOF your argument is set. No one can tell you "Thats great but he is still a Jerk." Issues can not be jerks.

Now we are looking into buying a house. I am completely in love with the idea of actually owning a place and being able to make it my own. I want to paint walls, put in wood flooring and hang pictures. I want to love the place where I live. This will require a mortgage. Logically I can well afford the price range we are looking at. It will not be over stretching us if either of us were to loose our job. It would suck, but we would be fine. Logically I know we are in the best position possible. We are buying less than we can afford in a buyers market. There are a variety of houses in our price range and we are not in a hurry to get out of our current residence.

Emotionally, I am hiding under a desk trying not too think about having THOUSANDS (as in over 100) of dollars of debt. Hopefully Barry wont have to do too much more hand holding.

Taco Soup

Ah the wonder of a great and flexible recipe. A few weeks ago I got to hang out and have lunch with Barry and our friend Chaz. As part of the conversation we talked a lot about food, and cool versatile recipes that make eating at home regularly a lot easier. I told Chaz I would post my recipe for Taco Soup, and then got flaky and forgot. Here it is Chaz, have fun.

Required Ingredients:
1lb of 10% or lower ground beef
1 pkg. of your favorite pre-made taco seasoning (I use McKormicks)
1 large can diced tomatoes (I use Muir Glenn)
1 can of your favorite beans (I prefer black o r kidney)
1 large onion

Optional veggies:
Corn (if you use fresh make sure you saute the kernals in a frying pan to make them sweet)
kale
chard
carrots
zuchinni
anything that sounds tasty

The general procedure is very simple. Saute the onion in a large frying pan. Add the ground beef and when it is almost done add in your taco seasoning. Once cooked, transfer to a crock-pot and add the tomatoes, beans, and any of the veggies that you like. The list I have included is not the end-all-be-all. You can add whatever you want, fresh or canned. Once it is all in the crock-pot add enough water to cover everything and turn it ot. It doesn't even matter how long you cook and at what temperature, this is a very forgiving recipe. If you are using something that has a long cooking time, like fresh corn and carrots, then cook them with the onion before adding the meat. If you are using canned veggies or something more delicate, add them to the crock pot or to the pan just before you transfer to the crock pot.

"But Lillis, I don't own a crock-pot" you say.

Simple, start the recipe in a large soup pot, skip that whole "transfer" step and let it all simmer for a while.

This is one of the most healthy weeknight dinners you can make, it is low in fat and loaded with healthy veggies. Refrigeration also makes this a great re-heat. It only gets better and can be dressed in a thousand different ways. Serve with corn chips, or cheese, or flour tortillas or anything your heart desires. Have fun and eat tasty food.

This Weeks Menu

Tandoori Chicken
Hungarian Cabbage and Brown Rice
Quiche
And Something with Chard in it

I will also spend some time doing laundry and practicing the Moto skills on Barry's bike. And maybe I will throw in a little sewing if I have time.