Clicking

Yesterday I spent a good 6 hours out on my bike. The first thousand miles or so have seen a lot of learning and nervousness and wondering if I am really supposed to be out on a bike and who am I kidding anyways. But yesterday, finally going out on my own, spending more than ten minutes going from A to B and navigating all on my own, it just clicked. I wasn't terrified of the traffic around me and I didn't get flustered by red lights or the clueless running stop signs.

I wasn't over-revving the engine and I didn't kill the bike once. I think that the safety net of riding with Barry was really holding me back. Instead of trying to figure the lay of the road myself I was watching Barry and trying to figure out what he was doing. Everything had a tinge of anxiety because I didn't know how early he would signal or what parking spot he was going to head for. I was so focused on what Barry would do that I wasn't relaxing and letting my muscle memory do the heavy lifting. I also found that my hands were not getting nearly as tired because I wasn't clenching. I was checking my blind spot and shifting and picking lines. I was wonderful and I don't know that I can even explain how much more in love with my bike I am now versus last week.

It is incredibly strange to me how full of anxiety I was about the bike with out even knowing it. Only now am I getting just how stressed out the bike was making me. It used to be that when Barry would suggest we go riding I would get nauseous and anxious and it never really made sense but what was I going to do? I already bought the bike and the idea of paying for it every month and not riding it makes me even more anxious than riding did. Now I am trying to figure out how to get my headphones into my helmet so that I can listen to John Mayer and Dave Matthews Band while riding. I have a feeling that listening to 3X5 and Satellite while out riding would put me as close to nirvana as an atheist can get.

I know this post is a little disjointed, but I am finding it really hard to describe just how incredibly relieved I am that things are finally clicking. I am happy, giddy, and feeling slightly off center as I am waiting for the world to get back to normal now that I am not on the bike. I don't mind it however. I associate this feeling as being similar to a runners high. It takes a little while after getting off the bike for the world to slow down, my balance to return to "not moving" mode and the grin to come back to something a little more ladylike.